aswedeinfrance

As I was saying in my last blog Want –to-be-alien tended to waste his days away by staring first at me and then at Special Person II.  I tried to explain to him that maybe he should spend his time more wisely, like by reading up on the method that we used so that he could answer the clients questions when they called.

Very often when he answered the phone he ended up giving the phone either to SPII or to me, since he couldn’t answer the questions that he was asked.  Sometimes he would tell them that each level was ten hours, and sometimes he would say that they were twelve or even 25 hours.  The truth was that each level was either 15 or 30 hours long.  He also used to say to them that it didn’t matter if they didn’t have any money because we gave lots of reductions to people who didn’t have any money.  You can imagine what kind of a position the sales rep was put in when they client in question says “ I was told on the phone that you give very big reductions to people, so I’d like to have a big reduction.”

When the clients called he would first answer their questions and then he would eventually write down their name, number and address so that we could contact them.   Since he sat not too far from me I heard most of his phone calls.  One day as he was asking the client for the necessary info I heard him ask the client “Is it Mr or Mrs?”  I didn’t know what to say.  He had been speaking to this person for about ten fifteen minutes without being able to hear weather it was a man or a woman!  And even if it was difficult to hear if it was a man or a woman there are other ways to find out which sex the person in question is. 

But I suppose at least he managed to get the person’s name….

Want-to-be-alien was very original as you have gathered by now.  Some would go so far as saying that he lived in his own little world, and I think I can agree with that.

He was hired to answer the phone, which I might add did not ring every two minutes, so he had plenty of free time in which he could have done something useful like learning about the method so he could answer the clients questions.  Instead he chose to sit at his desk and just stare.  Not as his computer, or into the middle of nothing, but me.  I would be sitting working away when suddenly I felt someone looking at me.  I’d turn around only to end up looking directly in his dark brown eyes, gazing at me with this far away look.  At first I decided to ignore him so I turned my back to him.  I started to avoid looking anywhere close to him.  But he continued staring at me.   He would even follow me wherever I walked to stare at me, whatever I was doing.  When I asked him what he was doing, he’d answer nothing, and he would continue staring at me with that far away look, large smile and hands in his pocket (I don’t even want to think what he was doing with his hand in his pocket…) Eventually I tried a new tactic.  I gave him a ‘if-looks-could-kill’ look. Which didn’t actually change anything, except the smile on his face grew slightly larger, but he didn’t stop gazing at me.

My next tactic was slightly less diplomatic I asked him straight out why he kept staring at me, and he answered that he enjoyed looking at beautiful girls.  I said that there was a certain way that one shouldn’t look at a girl because it made her uncomfortable.  He answered that he didn’t that he was making me uncomfortable.  I quickly answered that if anyone in the subway or in the street stared at me the same way as he stared at me in the office I would have given them a good off-telling.  I continued telling him that I didn’t want him staring at me in the future because he would regret it.

The consequence was that he picked a new target, a much easier target because she wasn’t sitting behind him (like I was), but in front of him…. Special Person II.

Like many other schools we did participate in a fair.  There are numerous kinds of fairs that you can participate in.  There are fairs for young people, (often jobless students), and there are fairs more aimed towards managers and people who work in human resources.  Of course Alien I chose the fairs that were the cheapest to participate in, ie, the fairs aimed towards young students and people looking for jobs.

So we spent weeks to prepare this fair, and then one day to set it up.  I think that we did quite a good job in the end.  We all took turns standing in the stand and talking to people, and even evaluating people's levels, in order to get them interested in signing up.

At the end of the three day fair we were all very enthusiastic over all the contacts that we had made.  Of course what we didn't think of was that the majority of these people might want to take lessons with us but would not be able to afford it even with a loan!

I think we got two contracts out of this fair, (which cost us 6,000 euros), one very small contract worth about 800 euros and one contract with a  french bank.  This became Alien II's baby.  She would make sure that this woman was in a good group, had the best teachers, best classrooms (always with a door, chairs, white board and pens), etc.   The thing that the rest of us didn't understand was that although this woman worked at the bank in question, and it was the bank that paid, the contract was not interesting since the classes were held in our offices and thus considered as a private contract.        

Howeve Alien II was was sure that this woman would bring us more contracts, and thus kissed ass everytime she saw her, and made sure that she got special treatment.  Which if you ask me just isn't right.  The ironic thing is that we all got the impression that the woman from the bank had on intetion whatsoever to bring any more clients to us, but she took advantage of the special treatment that she knew she was getting.

And to this day that bank has not signed up any more people...

The previous blog, written by a talented English man made me think of other problems with the key.

The problem with the key, was the fact that we only had two copies of the key to the front door.  One copy was kept by Alien I, and the other was kept in the post box, yes, you read correctly, in the post box.  Which meant that we all had a copy of the post box key so, that if we arrived first to the office in the morning we could open the door. 

Now, in theory this worked quite well, but of course it could turn into a disaster if for example someone found out about this, they could easily break into the post box and then open our office door and steal all of our computers.  (However that would have been a complete waste of time because all of our computers were full of viruses and not fully paid for.)  However, theory and practise is not always the same.  For this system to work it meant that the last person at the office had to bring the keys downstairs and leave it in the post box.  but of course we had numerous incidents when they forgot.

I suppose you are all asking yourself why Alien I and II didn't make a couple of mire copies.  Well apparently it cost a lot of money to make several copies, although I always argued that it would have spared us a lot of embaressment, (and money come to think of it).

I can't even begin to count the amount of times when people forgot to put the key in the mailbox and the person who showed up in the morning couldn't get into the office.  I suppose it wouldn't have been too bad if it was only the people actually working at the office who couldn't get in. But more often than not, it was the students who couldn't get into the office to have a lesson (that, if I may add they paid a fortune for).  SO there weren't too many solutions.  They had to go to a cafe until Alien I could come by the office and unlock the door.  Luckily the students we had were very understanding and while waiting for Alien I we'd have converse in English, but as a consequence they missed one of their classes.

Alien I and II didn't seem to see the inconvenience in us haveing a lesson in a cafe every once in a while.  However they did get angry every time some poor teacher forgot to take the key downstairs.

This next blog is not written by me (I wish I could take credit for it, because it is very well written), but by one of the teachers, whom for the moment shall remain unnamed, quite simple because I haven't come up with an appropriate name.  I hope you will laugh as much as I did!

'I was having a lesson with Meryl Streep.  It could be that I am the only person who thinks she looks like Meryl Streep, and she had certainly never been told before that she might remind anyone of the actress, but she seemed very flattered by the comparison.  We were in
the corner room of the 'office' building (as distinct from the new building with all the beautiful new classrooms in) and the only other people still there were Alien I and his lovely, gap-toothed, slightly dumpy companion (who assured me once that she had begun her professional life as one of the girls who drape themselves over cars at the salons d'automobiles; she was very proud of the fact and clearly believed that she had not lost her looks).

Towards the end of the lesson I thought I heard these two leave and I thought I heard the key turn in the front door.  I ignored this, because it was just absurd that they could have forgotten that I was still there with a client given the fuss it had taken to find us an available room in the first place - and anyway, they would surely have checked all the rooms just to close windows and turn off lights before they locked up for the night, as responsible people.  Not so. 
When Ms Streep and I finished the lesson ten minutes after hearing them leave we found that we were indeed alone and that the door was locked, with several keys so there was no way that we could open it from the inside.  We might have been able to do some sort of super hero stunt out of the windows (we were only on the first floor, after all) but all the windows are fitted with bars.  We were stuck.  For forty-five minutes.  This is the time it took to get through to Alien
I, who was not answering his phone, and to persuade him to get in his car and come back from the opera to release us.  He did wonder for a moment whether it would be better to send his Nanoushka back on the metro with the keys but decided that it might be just as well to come
with her in the car.  Of course, he didn't come up himself to apologise to our client - and neither did he ever apologise to me.  He found the whole thing very funny and told me that he was glad it had been me because, as an Englishman, I wasn't someone who let these things affect me.  He is Belgian and has always been persuaded that, possibly because of our monarchies, the two of us have whole swathes of cultural references in common, including humour and stoicism. 
This, as far as he was concerned, seemed to bond us.  On this occasion I did tell him that, far from not being annoyed, the reason I hadn't said anything was that I was too polite (this being a trait we didn't seem to share).  This also made him laugh.

The thing that made the aliens laugh the most, however, was my insistence that it was just not appropriate to allow that a female client should be locked into the school for forty-five minutes at nine o'clock in the evening with only a male teacher for company.  I could have been anybody.  They seemed to think that, had I in fact used the time to propose sudden, dirty sex with her, that would have been perfectly normal and understandable.  She should understand,
indeed, if she were intelligent and special enough.  Working with the aliens was like playing at being adults with primary-school friends.  The kind of friends you never liked very much and only hung out with because your parents liked their parents.'

When you say hello in Sweden you tend to look at the person you're speaking to and say "hello", if you are a bit daring you might actually go for the one armed hug.  France has this other ritual called 'la biz', it literally means 'the kiss'.  It was something i dreaded doing when i first moved here, because I just felt that kissing someone on both cheeks that I didn't know was a bit too itimate (we do like our space in Sweden).  Anyway eventually I actaully got to like it because I realised that it was a good way of kissing cute guys (very rare, but when they're cute in this coutnry they are toungue-out-to-your-knees-cute).  However I was disappointed when I learnt that the real way of doing it was not actually kissing the person, but either just doing it in the air, (or if you want some physical contact), you can press your chin against the other person's chin.  As a general rule this way of greeting people is only used when going out, or to friends, not to older people you don't know and not in business.  I suppose you are all wondering where this blog is going.  Well you see Alien I decided that since we were all one big happy(?) family at the office we should do 'la biz'.  If that was what we really did it wouldn't have been so bad, but he actually did the full on kissing 'biz'.  He would come into the office and then on each cheek he would place a real, soft, slightly moist kiss.

I used to be so grossed out by theses kissses.  I used to dread having to have to see him in the morning.  So I would always try to be really busy when he came in, or I would get up say a 'bonjour' and quickly leave the room.  However it didn't always work.  Sometimes he would follow me into the next room. 

Another way of trying to get out of it would be that I would not stand up (if i was sitting) or not turn around.  Alien I got around that by either bending down to kiss me and if  I didn't turn my head in a way for him to kiss my other cheek he would content himself by kissing my forehead.

It still doesn't stop there.  He also made sure that he gave us a hug, lots of body contact, which is tabou in France.  You don't have full body contact, unless you haven't seen the person for a very long time or if you are a couple.

ciao